The Next Picture Show

I’m going to stray from movies for this post, if you don’t mind, because I have to vent a bit about Entertainment Weekly’s list of the 50 greatest Beatles songs of all time.

In case you didn’t know, Beatlemania is back (for some of us, it never goes away) with the new video game The Beatles: Rock Band and the first re-mastering of the Fab Four’s original canon in more than 20 years. In celebration of these releases, Entertainment Weekly compiled a list of the group’s 50 best songs.

When my copy of the magazine arrived in the mail and I saw that black-and-white image with John’s hand draped over Paul’s shoulder, my reaction was “Yeah, yeah, yeah!” But as I read the list, my thoughts quickly changed to “I read the news today, oh boy!”

Let me talk about what I’m doing here. I’m not quibbling about order, if a song is deserving of a spot, I’m not commenting on it. I don’t know if “A Hard Day’s Night” is the Beatles’ best song, but it sure is great, so I’m leaving it alone.

Rather, I’m suggesting songs I’d remove and naming fitting replacements. The result still wouldn’t be my list of their 50 greatest songs. I’d love to find a place for “The Ballad of John and Yoko,” “Old Brown Shoe,” “Good Day Sunshine,” “Get Back” and “You’re Going To Lose that Girl,” but I couldn’t find songs that I could convincingly argue are less deserving of a spot on the list.

But that’s OK, I’d never expect such a list to fit my tastes exactly, but I’m confident that replacing the following 10 songs with my suggestions would result in a far more interesting and thoughtful list of the 50 greatest songs by the greatest rock ‘n’ roll band ever.

First: Replace “Yesterday” (number 3 on the list) and replace it with “For No One,” (from Revolver)

In writing about “Yesterday” EW’s staffers note that some people find it “mawkish,” but they ignore that it’s also tuneless and its lyrics are ridiculously simple, almost childlike: “YesterDAY/All my trouble seemed so far AWAY/Now it looks as though they’re here to STAY.” No wonder Lennon later mocked it.

“For No One” is so superior, musically and lyrically. Its tune is melancholy but infectious. The instrumentation includes a clavichord (played by Paul) and a famous French horn solo. And the lyrics are so much more mature: “Your day breaks, your mind aches/You find that all the words of kindness linger on/When she no longer needs you.” Or how about this: “And in her eyes you see nothing/No sign of love behind the tears/Cried for no one/A love that should have lasted years.”

Second: Replace “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away” (No. 17, from Help!) with “Girl” (from Rubber Soul)

Why go gaga over Lennon imitating Dylan when you can praise Lennon for being Lennon? “Girl” is more heartbreaking, more adventurous and more trippy than “Hide.” It has one of John’s best vocal performances and that curious sucking in sound (rumored to represent toting a joint). It has the maturity of mid-Beatles with a touch of pop thanks to McCartney and Harrison singing “dit-dit-dit-dit” in the background (though, according to Wikipedia, they sang something slightly different). John rarely talked about his Beatles song after the band’s breakup, but this one seemed to stay with him when he said his 1980 song “Woman” reminded him of “Girl.”

Third: Replace “Blackbird” (18 on the list) with “Sexy Sadie”

Paul’s “Blackbird” has a social message to it, but Bob Dylan beat McCartney to the punch by about six years with “Blowin’ in the Wind.” “Sexy Sadie” is a much better White Album track. It was written by Lennon about his disillusionment with the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi (the ambiguous title was a result of George’s refusal to participate in a more obvious critique). “Sexy Sadie” has a pure Beatles sound thanks to McCartney and Harrison’s background vocals beautifully complementing Lennon. But it’s also a clear indication of the direction John wanted to take his music.

Fourth: Replace the “Golden Slumbers/Carry That Weight/The End” medley (19 on the list) with “Mean Mr. Mustard/Polythene Pam/She Came in Through the Bathroom Window”

This is a tough one, and if I wrote my own list from top to bottom, both medleys might make it. But if we’re going to choose just one Abbey Road grouping, I go for “Mean Mr. Mustard” and company. EW’s choice has the gravitas of that famous last line (”And in the end/The love you take/Is equal to the love/You make”) but the build-up to it is a bit one-note.

My choice has a little of everything you’d want from a Beatles suite. A funny song by Lennon in “Mustard,” then those hard acoustic chords (reminiscent of “A Hard Day’s Night”) leading into “Polythene Pam” (who happens to be Mr. Mustard’s sister).

“Pam” has some terrifically clever lyrics: “She’s the kind of a girl that makes the News of the World/Yes you could say she was attractively built” followed by one last “Yeah, yeah, yeah.” “Pam” also has Ringo drumming with a conga beat (similar to what he did years earlier on “I Feel Fine”), some great bass courtesy of Paul, and a guitar solo from George that’s so good Lennon cries out “Listen to that now” and “Oh Look Out” during it.

All of this leads perfectly into McCartney’s clever and funny “Bathroom.” Abbey Road ends on a note of finality, but before getting to it, the boys from Liverpool gave us one last dose of pure fun.

Fifth: Replace “If I Fell” (22 on the list) with “Things We Said Today”

Lennon was the serious Beatle while McCartney wrote silly love songs, right? Well those roles were reversed with these two numbers from A Hard Day’s Night. “If I Fell” is a good song, but it’s simple next to “Things We Said Today” an overlooked, layered gem.

It’s got some heavy lyrics for an early Beatles tune (”Someday when we’re dreaming/Deep in love, not a lot to say/Then we will remember/Things we said today”), and a haunting melody. Midway through, there’s a drastic change to an up-tempo beat, but the tune never loses its bite.

Sixth: Replace “Happiness is a Warm Gun,” (27 on the list) with “Yer Blues.”

There’s nothing wrong with “Happiness,” but Lennon had a few White Album tracks that were better, including the bluesy and howling “Yer Blues,” which rocks full-tilt with blistering guitar and vocal. The lyrics are downright painful (”Feel so suicidal/Even hate my rock ‘n’ roll”) and begin Lennon’s journey to Plastic Ono Band.

Seventh: Replace “I Want You (She’s So Heavy ) (No. 30) with “Oh! Darling”

EW calls Lennon’s rocker “lyrically uncomplicated” but “musically ambitious.” I say it’s simply long and repetitive. McCartney’s “Oh! Darling” is a better rock love ballad from Abbey Road’s Side 1. Paul isn’t as convincing a blues singer as John, but you gotta love this tune for its beat, all four Beatles jamming together, and McCartney channeling his inner Little Richard for old time’s sake.

Eighth: Replace “She Said, She Said” (No. 37) with “Got to Get You Into My Life”

“She Said” is an obvious “cool” pick from Revolver, but “Into My Life” is, quite simply, a better song. Lennon’s track is, typically, deeper than McCartney’s but that doesn’t mean Paul’s genius should always take a back seat. McCartney said he was trying to write a soul song in the style of artists heard on the Stax label with this one. The result is actually a strange (if catchy) addition to the Beatles’ catalog.

Everything builds with a bass-driven beat, including McCartney’s vocal, until it reaches a crescendo full of horns. Other highlights are Ringo’s drumming (which in recent years has gained more respect) and fading out right after a glorious shout of the song’s opening words (”I was alone/I took a ride/I didn’t know what I would find there…”).

Ninth: Replace “Day Tripper” (No. 41) with “And You’re Bird Can Sing” (from Revolver)

Again, it’s not like “Day Tripper” is a bad song, but a great guitar riff alone doesn’t make it one of the Beatles’ best songs. “And You’re Bird Can Sing” is better poppy guitar number in which Lennon and McCartney share vocals. Once again, let’s compare lyrics: Day Tripper has “Got a good reason/For taking the easy way out” over and over again. “Bird” has “When your prized possessions/start to weigh you down/Look in my direction/I’ll be round.”

And to top it all off, there are a whole bunch of theories as to who Lennon was singing about here. According to Wikipedia, the theories include Marianne Faithful and Frank Sinatra. Who else but the Beatles could link those two?

Tenth: Replace “Helter Skelter” (No. 47, from the White Album) with “Hey Bulldog” (from Yellow Submarine)

I understand the inclination to honor the Beatles’ hardest rock song, but “Helter Skelter” is a bit of forced faux heavy metal. “Hey Bulldog” is just as guitar driven and, in its own way, rocks just as hard - guitar and piano rock together side by side, that’s innovation!

It has typically brilliant Lennon lyrics (”Some kind of happiness is/measured out in miles/What makes your think you’re something special when you smile”), Lennon and McCartney singing together, more great bass from Paul, dazzling guitar and a dose of humor.